A Legend In My Own Mind Thanksgiving is upon us! I feel a little bit like Chicken Little right now, telling everyone to hurry up and get on with it....THANKSGIVING IS HERE!!!! Wow, this month has gone FAST. I guess a lot of the reason why I feel this way is because, here in Pittsburgh, the weather has hardly dipped out of the 60's for the entire month. Okay, well, yeah, there WAS Monday when it actually SNOWED but other than that...it's been like October for the better part of the month. That is, of course, except LAST week when it rained. No...it RAINED. Nay, it POURED!!! It started late the night before and continued on, unabated, throughout the day on Wednesday. Buckets and buckets and buckets of water everywhere. Naturally, my colleague Michelle and I had a HUGE statewide event going on that day and just as naturally, it was located in the nether regions of rural Fayette County. We left the college where our offices are located, armed with umbrellas and a kidnapped, talking Nittany Lion (which is another story I plan to write before the weekend so stay tuned!) and our raincoats, and headed into the soup. We should have been tipped off when the road OUT of the college was pretty much under water as we drove off. We definitely should have realized that someone, somewhere should have been building some sort of Ark when we saw water cascading off drainage ditches like Angel Falls as we drove further away. Our trip lasted about an hour and along the way we marvelled at the quantity of water and how quickly it was rising. How yards and roads were flooded. How poor cows were stuck out in the muddy fields. We finally bought the clue after we stopped for lunch in Uniontown. We were driving to our next event when I had the SUDDEN urge to use a toilet, ANY toilet. I commanded Michelle (that means I came just short of wresting the wheel from her and pulling in myself) to pull into a CVS Pharmacy. I ran in....begged, BEGGED the pharmacist to let me use the employees' restroom - practically screaming "Emergency!!" She let me in and as I shut the door and threw my raincoat to the floor, I turned to look at the toilet. I knew...I just knew no good was to come of a toilet with no water in it but things had reached a critical stage...I threw caution to the wind, so to speak, and did the deed. And...as my intuition had foreboded, the toilet refused to flush. At that moment, I switched into Harry mode - from the movie Dumb and Dumber. You know, when he's in Mary's bathroom after Lloyd gives him, like, a quadruple dose of a strong laxative and then he realizes the toilet is broken? I flushed and flushed to no avail. I took off the lid to the toilet and played with the inner workings. I held up the flap. I held down the handle. I checked the water valve on the floor. Nothing. I even went so far as to cup my hands and try to add more water from the sink since there was no bucket anywhere to be found. Finally, I had to admit that the situation was fruitless. No to mention, Michelle was out in the van and the city was flooding around us. I put the lid back on, grabbed my coat from the floor and fled. I ran to the van, jumped in and said, "Get me the hell out of here!" Michelle didn't need to be told twice. She floored it. I am sure there is now a policy at that particular CVS about letting people off the street use the facilities. And they're probably on the lookout for a redhead in a green raincoat too. Well, anyway, as we left the CVS we noticed that just about every emergency vehicle in Uniontown was in a four block radius from where we were. Then we saw that the creek had taken over the road. A quick phone call confirmed that the school we were supposed to visit was closed and had flooded out so we decided it was time to head for higher ground. They were, literally, shutting down the streets of Uniontown, PA as we left. The rain had started to lighten up and as we drove back to the college we saw landslides, random flooding, fire trucks pumping out basements and swingsets under water. But imagine our surprise when every single road INTO the college was closed! This was about all it took and laughing hysterically, we called our boss and asked for his advice. After trying a few alternate routes, we called it a day. Michelle took me to Target where my husband met me and took me home. I had had enough rain for one day. But I am sure I have become a legend of some sort at that CVS...for better OR for worse!

Shopping I have to admit, I had fun last night on my shopping excursion with M. I picked her up at work and off we went to TGIFridays for dinner. Despite being on Weight Watchers herself, M chose to have sesame chicken strips which looked FANTASTIC. Like some people need to have a cigarette with dinner, she needs to have fries so she ordered a plateful. True to her diet plan, she had a glass of water...no lemon. As for me, I KNEW I had stretched the boundaries on Wednesday after my weigh in when I hit the McDonald's drivethru with nothing but a ten and time on my hands. One Number 3 and 2 sides of McNuggets later, I pretty much had given up hope for redemption through flex points for the rest of the week so after briefly considering Friday's Garlic Chicken and Mashed Potatoes, I settled for a grilled chicken caesar and a bowl of french onion soup. The soup KIND of did me in so I could only get through half the salad but what little I DID eat was incredibly tasty. The plus part was the M and I got along pretty well! After we finally convinced Rachel, Our Server to take my credit card to pay the bill - even though she seemingly couldn't see that Alison had camelled through her first glass of water rather early on and swept by us numerous times without asking if she could refill it - we went out into the "We're Not in Kansas Anymore" wind storms that were engulfing western Pennsylvania and headed to Marshall's to see if any new DaVinci syrups had found their way to the shelves. Well, the answer to that was a resounding NO and in fact, there weren't any DaVinci's in the store at all! M busied herself picking out Christmas presents while I busied myself inspecting all of the cool Hanukkah stuff they had since, in our little western Pennsylvania hamlet, anything even remotely Jewish is a rarity. I felt pretty lucky that I found a huge, stuffed dreidel for the dog for less than $5! We looked at shoes, I used the bathroom, she checked out the sleazy lingerie. We walked around and checked out the pretty martini and wine glasses and then lingered in the toy section while she picked out a toy horse for the Boy. We didn't discuss if it was for Hanukkah or Christmas or even for New Year's for that matter. We got to the registers and she asked them for a price check on a bamboo magazine. I am fairly sure that the ten people who then immediately lined up behind her started some sort of conspiracy to kill her...even though it wasn't really her fault. With one, and only one, register open...they called "Janice" for a price check. When "Janice" didn't show up, they called again. Ten minutes (I swear!) later the manager shows up and takes the magazine rack. M must have REALLY wanted it by this time or maybe she was just proving a point. I stopped telling her how much everyone behind us hated us when she offered to pay for my Hanukkah mug set and stuffed dreidel just to "save time." We waited...and waited...and continued to wait. The cashier finally told the people behind us to schlep over to the customer service counter in the far corner if they wanted to check out. We waited some more. Finally, the manager comes back after ANOTHER ten minutes and says she can't find the price, but this little wine rack thingee is pretty close...is $7.99 okay? Well, after twenty minutes and several death threats from the crowd behind us later, yes, it was acceptable and so they tallied up M's order and we left. The last stop was Wal-Mart where we shopped for the Simpson's Clue game and a Pictionary for the Boy. He had already made it clear that the Simpson's Clue game was ALL he wanted...and I was pretty sure if I managed to screw it up and not get one of the last ten on Wal-Mart's shelves that he would somehow find a way to kill me in my sleep. We walked out of Wal-Mart in a blinding snow squall at shortly after 8:00. At THIS time, I was halfway between both places I needed to be. Should I succumb and take M home and then drive back to take the revered Babysitter home? I decided that, with $12 to PAY the revered Babysitter in my purse, and knowing it was a school night and we were practically in a white out, the best course was to stuff M and all of her parcels in the back of the minivan and head home to get the Babysitter back to HER home before we ALL turned into pumpkins. So that's what I did. The Babysitter looked her usual All-American girl-self and told me how Evan has been....she hesitates..."good" and how they ate pizza and watched movies. "What movies?" She rattles off Home Alone, Harry Potter and a third I didn't remember...so I suggest to the Boy that maybe next time they watch something SHE might like - like Legally Blonde for example. He turns to her, aghast. "You LIKE Legally Blonde?" She enthusiastically says "Yes! I do!" And he coyly says..."I HAVE that!" like some playboy inviting her up to see his etchings. Mental note...deal with Jonesing 10 year old hormonally rampant boy later! Well, to make a long story short, I got the Babysitter home and figured out how to get out of her plan without ending up in Ohio (which, believe me, WAS a miracle!) and took M home and even helped her carry her packages to her porch while the Boy lay sprawled over one of the bucket seats in the back of the van, snoring loudly. It was a good night.

Old Man Winter Anthony's busy at home cleaning for the babysitter...you know, swishing the toilet bowl, emptying last weekend's takeout out of the fridge, running the vacuum and changing the kittylitter. All of those things we ALL do when an 8th grade girl is coming to our house for three hours, right? M called me a little bit ago. She's worried about the "bad" weather, as she put it. Let me define bad. Bad started last night with rain and then a nasty cold front bullied it's way across the county with 50 mph winds and snow squalls. Not that the snow is laying or even that the snow sort of melted and caused ice. It didn't. And besides, my desktop Weather Bug says it's ALMOST 40 degrees now so any thoughts of trecherous, icy roads for the commute home are pretty much a fallicy. But she's worried because as she says, "It's pretty bad out there and I know SOME people wouldn't drive in it." "Would you?" I asked. "No, but then again I won't be the one driving, it will be YOU and some people aren't afraid of snow," was the reply. That would be me...in her lingo....SOME people. Sigh. I mean it's not the Bahamas out there but it's not Siberia either and I just don't understand the hysteria behind a few floaties in the wind. The worst part is that all the lemmings with whom she works are exactly the same way. WHICH, I might add, is reason enough to fire people after they've been there for over five years. These women have worked together for the better part of the past ten years!!! Everyone knows everyone else's business. When M complains about their neuroses, she attributes it all to menopause since apparantly, this is public knowledge and it's a good reason for someone to be burning out. In a REAL job, THAT would be sexual harassment but where SHE works...it's fairly normal. I mean, I know who the office lesbian was (until she got sick of them and walked out one day), I know when she walked out and I even know when she walked back in which was attributed by all present to a case of seriously enormous testicles. I know who's on the rag and who should be on the rag. I know who's knocked up and who is knocked up and has no idea by whom. I know who ate what for lunch and who met whom on the internet and is now sleeping with them even though said internet paramour is still married - but that's a whole other story! I even know everything about the local retail conglomerate because half of them moonlight there. I know it all. But the absolute worst part is the way that their own insecurities breed further insecurity. What started as rumor has been elevated to gospel truth. M even lives with one of them...they commute to work each day together and spend the majority of their "off" time in the same house or grocery shopping together. I don't need to mention that there's a HUSBAND involved since one of them is in total denial about that...and I won't say which one (it's his wife)! She thinks I should say there isn't anything wrong with that but I DO think there's a lot wrong with that. They're afraid to put miles on their cars, they're afraid to go out if there's an inch of snow on the roads, they think a trip to the mall would be a "long" way even though it's less than five miles. It's like they're little old ladies at the age of 40! And when winter hits, all of her paranoia and the paranoia and neuroses of those with whom she lives and works just blossoms. "The roads are wet, must be ice." "The forecast is for snow, better cancel all of our plans!" "There are flurries this morning, we'll see if we can "make" it in!" and my personal favorite - "You're going to UNIONTOWN (35 miles at BEST) by YOURSELF?!" This all just blows my mind but I guess upon review, I shouldn't be too surprised that with flurries in the air she called me in a near-panic about our shopping trip tonight. Guaranteed - she'll make me call her on my cell phone while I drive home so she can be sure I get there okay.

The Dog and the Babysitter Monday night we had our first babysitter! We have been SO excited about this that neither of us can do much else besides crow to everyone we know how we suddenly are SO happy....we found a babysitter!!! Her name is Lizzie and she's in 8th grade. The Boy is, in fact, taller than she is but we think she's all that AND a bag of chips and we ALL love her. We first met her at our synagogue's Rosh Hashanah services. One of the ladies on the Sisterhood had hired her to watch the kids while we were all in marathon services upstairs. She brought a friend and together they played videos, served some snacks and even brought the kids upstairs to hear the blast of the shofar. We're ALWAYS a little apprehensive when people first encounter the Boy. Our Evan is a beautiful child who has a severe learning disability. And that learning disability can be, sometimes, offsetting. But Lizzie wasn't offset at the least! Her cousin, the Sisterhood friend told us, had Downs' Syndrome and she was extremely comfortable with kids' with disabilities. When we asked around for possible sitters and her name came up, we were THRILLED! So...we called and booked four dates RIGHT away. It's the holiday season after all and we wanted to get first dibs. We figured we'd have to pay $5 an hour and when she said $2.50, well, we figured we had hit the mother lode. So we cleaned and cleaned and cleaned all weekend so she wouldn't gross out when she came in and while it wasn't perfect or as clean as I would have really liked, it was okay and so after we went and bought chips, pretzels and dip (what DO teenagers eat anyway???) and made sure to have regular AND diet soda available, my husband went and brought her home for our "first" night. We had pretty much accounted for everything. I wrote up a note telling her when Evan was to go to bed, what they could munch on, where things were, a grateful "thank you" for babysitting for us and my cell phone number should she need to call. The house smelled like a house and the toilet was clean. Everything was set!! Lizzie came in all braces and clean-cut American teenager and we were just thrilled. Evan was chatting her up and hitting on her like a 10-year old would do to an "older" woman. Then we let the dog out. Our dog, Tucker, is part cocker spaniel and part beagle. He is still scratching from his allergy to pollen and when it's a bright, sunshiney day he sometimes gets a little blinded by it. Overall, though, he's a cute, storybook-looking kind of blond dog. And he came bounding downstairs and took one look at Lizzie and started to "Wooooooo!" The dog can't even bark, he "woooos!" and boy, did he go off on her. I backhanded him across his rear end and then grabbed his face and told him "No!" but that didn't stop him. He got REAL quiet and stood and looked at this cute, little girl who was holding out her hand for him to smell and saying "Nice boy!" and then when we all thought he'd be okay, he went "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" We tried giving him a treat - "WOOOO!", we tried stepping out figuring he'd HAVE to deal with her - "WOOOOO!" and finally, we just banished him to his bedtime kennel and shut the door for the next three hours. We looked at each other in absolute abject horror, figuring she'd bolt. Not only was the kitchen floor a little crusty but the dog was a raving psychopath! Fortunately, she didn't. And we tipped her well. She's supposed to be back tomorrow and we'll see how Tucker handles himself then. We figure after a few more stretches of babysitting time locked in his kennel, he may stop acting so ignorant and behave himself but in the meantime, we made it clear. We love the babysitter and if it's a choice between HER or HIM... we'll pack his half-chewed rubber jack and send him on his way! WOOHOO! We have a babysitter!!!!

How Mom got a Life and other words of wisdom Okay, okay...a lot of my frequent fliers are wondering what happened with the BF (best friend.) As many of you know, we had planned to end the uneasy truce of silence that occured after Rosh Hashanah by going out to dinner together. Not surprisingly, all went well. I mean, who wants to show their ass in the middle of Dingbats in East-of-Jesus, Pennsylvania on a weeknight? In fact, I didn't even broach the subject of her latent anti-Semitism or anti-whateverism, until we had finished our appetizers and salads and she was on her fourth or fifth glass of ice water. Very politely, she agreed to get "past" this little matter of unpleasantry that was causing us to not speak to one another. And that was that. We walked over to Barnes and Noble's and wandered amongst the fiction bestsellers for a while while I bitched about work and my review. Very tidy huh? Not much changed although we were suddenly speaking and the Cold War was, if not over, at least on hold. We didn't mention the "J" word (Judaism) or anything else that might smack of some sort of religious zealotry on my part. As far as M is concerned, play ostrich and it can't possibly be happening. What IS interesting is that during that period of stony silence...the three week period of brinkmanship we employed, I went out and got a life. And M has found this MOST surprising, so much so that just last week she asked me when I had suddenly become so overbooked when only a month ago no one even bothered with me? OUCH! Well, suffice to say M, I realized that my world had gotten increasingly narrower and narrower. And now that the Boy is getting ready to head into middle school and I am sitting there on Wednesday nights just praying that the clock makes it to 7:30 so I can say I went to bed at a "respectable" time because there literally is NOTHING to do...I understand I need to broaden my base. So. How does a 40 year old woman with a 10 year old son make friends in a community in which she has lived for the better part of the past twenty years? That's the $10,000 question apparantly. For this 40 year old, it means becoming the secretary of the local chapter of her alumni club, signing up to go on a bus trip to New York City for a weekend in April - which is definitely a spur of the moment thing for her to do, joining the Sisterhood of her synagogue and even though she's not really all THAT much of a social maven...going out to dinner with them and accepting the invite to their cocktail party. It means signing up, joining up, bellying up - just DOING it instead of staying at home waiting for her sleeping pill to kick in. And I have to admit I am busier than I have been, well, since college! I have to carry a calendar just to keep track of everywhere I am supposed to be. I had to actually find a babysitter for crying out loud! It's ALL good. And while my Dad tells me he hates to hear that M and I continue to have issues when it comes to my family's religion because, as he says, "If YOU two can't work it out it doesn't say much for the Arabs and the Israelis, does it?" - my life is definitely richer for it, which is a sad thing to have to say at this point. But to make a long story short, yes, M and I are talking although sometimes it's stiff and uncomfortable at best and surprisingly, I managed to get a life. As for M, I think it will eventually all work out. As the Boy said to me last night...she'll just have to get used to it. He's pretty sure she will. In the meantime, I am not burning a candle in my window waiting for her comfort level to increase. I am out there tripping the lights fantastic and loving every minute of it. My new motto for my life is...passengers, OPTIONAL!

Taking care of Business I just realized I have been neglecting my Blog and for some very inexcusable reasons. First, I feel like a lot of times it's the same old same old...and to be quite honest, it bores ME so it MUST be boring to you, my frequent fliers. Second, I have been getting some flack from people like M, my best friend, because for some reason, the only time she can really "listen" is when I broadcast here. And you know, when I sit back and think about it, these aren't very good reasons. So...I resolve to be here daily...boring or not.

I am half past done I am about half past done with my father and his woman. My sister told me this morning that the Squeeze informed her they've been going to a fertility doctor to try to have a baby. Not that there's anything WRONG with geezers procreating...wait, yes there is!!!! This chick is a certified alkie AND a dope addict. In fact, he threw her out on Saturday when he caught her trying to deal drugs on his AOL account. Of course, the nookie must have been too good to miss...he picked her up on Sunday night and they're back at it hot and heavy. I am disgusted to say the least. It's just gotten worse and thinking about it just consumes my life. The reality is I just DO NOT care. Yes, I feel sorry for my sister but hey, this isn't MY life. I didn't talk to my dad for 15 years after my mother died until one Christmas when my sister told me that was all she wanted - for us to talk again, so I did. I must be a sucker. It ALL has something to do with me being the first person she ever smiled at after she was born. Whatever...I called him and so far, it hasn't been bad. I mean when I last spoke to my dad, he was 43 years old and when we picked back up, he was 59. Things had changed. I didn't relate to him like a scared kid but as a mature adult who had her own home, her own child, her own family. And yes, my dad was about as bad as you could be when I was growing up. He was an alcoholic, took drugs on occasion and beat the crap out of my mother and me on a regular basis. It was terrifying and it was awful. My mother died when I was 20. I finished college and pretty much, after graduation, that was that. My sister had a nervous breakdown and I tried as hard as I could to stay connected but for whatever reason, the situation with him was intolerable and one November day I walked away. When I walked back, he acted as if nothing happened. He admitted once how awful it had been and how rotten he was. But he said he couldn't spend the rest of his life dwelling on what was. He said if I wanted to go forward, then let's go forward but if I wanted to dwell on what was, it wouldn't work. I chose to go forward. And for the most part it was great. Yes, frequent fliers have heard me complain about his eccentricities and how sometimes he just made me crazy with embarrassment but after a while I did get used to him and I realized I did love him. Despite the bad, he was my father. But now, I just don't know if I CAN tolerate this. A dope taking, passed out, randy tramp has taken over. HER kids live in the house and he takes THEM to school. He never even went to my band concerts. And maybe that IS living in the past and being bitter about what I WANTED to have happen but never did. But as for the present, I don't need some dope swilling golddigger modeling a lifestyle to my impressionable son that I completely oppose and unfortunately, I feel another break coming between me and my dad. I understand he has a life to live but then so do I and even more importantly, I have another life dependent on the choices I make. And what's happening now isn't compatible at ALL. This weekend may be the last time I see him. And I really would like my sister to just stop talking about it but I also understand it really impacts HER the most. I hope HE'S happy. I'm just sad.